Sea of Regret
by Dragon's Lost Child
Summary: Kaiba can't take the pain of living anymore, so he decides to stop. One-shot. Warnings: possible character death, suicide themes. R


Warnings: Severe angst possible character death (read to find out)  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-gi-oh, or Kaiba. Don't rub it in.  
  
Sea of Regret  
  
By: Blue Eyes White Dragon of Ra  
  
I cannot take this anymore. I thought that I could but I can't. I thought I could bury all the pain inside. I've always had to be strong . . . ever since my mother died and my family fell apart. I was strong for the infant brother I wanted to hate for killing her but found I couldn't, strong for the father who went and got drunk and killed himself in a car crash.  
  
After that I was strong again, for my brother, for Mokuba, who I had to make sure would never have to feel the full pain of all these events or any more. He needed to be happy, one of us did.  
  
I never let emotion show again, never let out more then the barest smile, knowing how much emotions hurt you in the end . . . and this tactic has served me well. I push everyone back, and on the outside I am nothing but a heartless shell, but I can't help but feel the emotions, deep inside. The pain never seems to fade, and I feel the horror of my father's death as strongly as I did on the day I learned of it. The pain seemed to fade over time for Mokuba . . . still there, but faded. I can't understand how he does it, how he lets go . . . but I'm glad he can. I'm glad one of us can.  
  
Perhaps it'll be easy for him to let go of me too.  
  
I look at the silver metal of the knife in my hand and smiled sadly.  
  
After all, I haven't been much of a brother to him anyway. I never managed to save Mokuba-even though I've constantly tried-all I've ever done is put him in danger. I tried to save us from the orphanage by making Gozaburo adopt us, but all I did was let us get worked and beaten until we passed out from exhaustion. I tried to save Mokuba from Gozaburo and became a murderer in the process. . .  
  
I hadn't intended on pushing him out that window . . . not really. But then he'd threatened against Mokuba, and the pent up rage inside took hold.  
  
Gozaburo should be proud, he taught me that rage.  
  
I gently rub one finger along the blade it begins to bleed. Good, it's sharp enough. I really don't want a botched job, now do I?  
  
I tried to save him from Pegasus (though it's my fault he was captured in the first place) and couldn't even do that. I lost . . . lost to Pegasus, couldn't even win for my brother's soul at the game I'd spent my life on. And I ended up needing saving myself. Later again, he was put in danger because of me, captured by Marik so the man could obtain my Egyptian God Card.  
  
Is that a noise upstairs? Shouldn't Mokuba be asleep? I must do this quickly.  
  
I'm leaving behind a will of course. Mostly everything shall go to Mokuba, except for two million which I've left to Yugi Moto, for all of the times he's saved Mokuba for me. There is only one thing that I regret the King of Games ever did.  
  
I only wish he'd left me in the Shadow Realm back in Pegasus's Duelist Kingdom since, surprisingly enough, I prefer that place to my life. There, I was paying for all of my failures. Here, I am simply worked for countless hours over a stupid game.  
  
Yes, I gave up Duel Monsters after Battle City. I couldn't enjoy it anymore. I couldn't enjoy anything.  
  
Even Mokuba, who always before brought joy to my heart, simply formed a wrench in my gut to look at him. I couldn't see him without thinking about how many times I have failed him. I find no joy in life anymore, I might as well leave it, and spare everyone else the pain I bring them.  
  
Oh, I almost forgot. I'm leaving one million dollars to Joseph Wheeler. Surprised? Well, I've given him enough pain over the years. He deserves something. Grudges over a game seem so petty when you are about to die.  
  
The knife comes close to my wrist, and I let it hover there for a moment, tears filling my eyes despite my usual distaste for emotion. Oh, why not? This time I let them fall freely. After all, why not let it out? Just this once, I would like to cry, to not have to be strong.  
  
And why continue to pretend to be strong? I already am a weakling. I already am taking the easy way out. I do not deny it. What is the point of denying the truth when you are on the verge of death? Then, of all times, you should at least be truthful to yourself.  
  
Can I go through with this?  
  
Yes, the answer comes immediately. Everything is in order, and I've no reason to keep on going.  
  
Mokuba . . .  
  
He'll be better off without me. He loves me, I know that. For some reason the kid has continued to find reasons to love me over the years. Perhaps it's because we're related, I can find no other reasons why he would wish to continue to be associated with me. He has to . . . he is my blood.  
  
Blood. Warm blood begins to bead on my wrist as I apply pressure to the knife. I wince in pain. Perhaps I should've just overdosed on some drug, but there is always a chance that that wouldn't work, and like I've said, I cannot have a botched job.  
  
Please forgive me Mokuba, please forgive me for all the ways I've screwed up, for how many times I've let my pride get in the way of your well-being, for how weak I really am. You may hurt at first at my passing, but that pain will fade, like all of the other pains have faded. You will heal.  
  
I never could.  
  
There is a severe pounding in my head, and my vision begins to blacken. I've been pressing harder. Weakly I switch to my other wrist.  
  
So much pain . . . I deserve it all, but you never did. Dad never did, but I couldn't save him. I doubt Yugi did, or even Wheeler. Even Gozaburo did not deserve to die. Prison, yes, that would've been a proper punishment for what he put you and me through, but he shouldn't have died.  
  
I am a plague, but now that plague will be extinguished. The knife clatters to the ground, and I look down with darkening vision at the kitchen floor.  
  
The pristine white tile is now red. Dark red . . .  
  
'The maids will have a big job to do tomorrow', I think, giddy from loss of blood. 'The chef won't be happy, he never likes messes.' I begin to sway dizzily. 'And his best knife is ruined. Sorry Andrae, it had to be done.'  
  
I fall onto the kitchen floor, into the blood.  
  
I'm so sorry Mokuba. Maybe I should've done this sooner. If I had then you never would've been trapped in the Shadow Realm . . . never been kidnapped by Marik . . . please forgive my weakness, but now you won't be hurt anymore, you won't be kidnapped, you won't lose good friends because you are related to the cold-hearted Seto Kaiba.  
  
One last pang of pain in your life Mokuba, then you can live like a normal boy, you can . . . you can . . .  
  
But I cannot.  
  
The last light begins to disappear, the coolness of the tile on my cheek begins to fade away. I would say I feel numb, but I've ceased to feel at all. My lips twitch upward as my last movement on this earth. The pain isn't there anymore, the anger, the pride, the sorrow . . . it is all gone. The loss, the hate, the hurt, the fear, replaced by a gentle nothing.  
  
Finally, I can rest in peace.  
  
Finally, I can rest.  
  
I slip into a sea of blackness, it's rather like falling asleep.  
  
I slip into the sea of blackness, and I know no more.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
End  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
I can't believe I killed off Kaiba!! I love him, but was in an angsty mood. Please feel free to review, I really wouldn't mind ^_^ 


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